


hiraeth

by montressor



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, She/her pronouns for reader, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 16:36:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21377182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montressor/pseuds/montressor
Summary: He can't really say everything he would like to. He can think it, sure, but lots of things are easier in theory than in practice- But he manages to just to say, "Okay."For some reason, you find it hilarious. "Ushiwaka, that's very like you. To say something profound and to end it with something so unsympathetic." Managing to stop cackling after seeing his offended expression, you mutter apologies sown into laughter.Maybe you were taking a long time to blossom, but you're going to be the most beautiful flower in the field.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Reader, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 164





	hiraeth

Feelings have never been anything that Ushijima has really understood. He has said what he means, and what he thinks, and what he wholeheartedly believes. It's never led him astray in his world- nor on the court, since he's even managed to gain a glittering spotlight shining for himself. 

When he meets you, you are Aoba Johsai's manager, and Ushijima still doesn't find you necessary. Managers have always felt almost token to him, and felt as though the captain or someone else could do all the preparation a team needed. He rethinks it, finding that every timeout called by the coach is nearly wholly led by Oikawa- except when you step in to say a few words of your own. Wakatoshi can't hear you, but by the way the Seijou starts to play, he's entirely convinced that you know a thing or two about volleyball yourself. It's entrancing to see you lead the team like that. The boys in blue and white seem all the more invigorated, and Oikawa always makes sure to thank you.

Still, you're not of importance. You are a single flower in a field of thousands, and with that being said, you're still barely a shoot- you're not anywhere near close to blooming just yet. Ushijima couldn't- wouldn't find anything that could set you apart from the rest.

He finds himself in the same university as you, along with Oikawa Tooru and Shimizu Kiyoko. It's not surprising- Oikawa got in with volleyball, and you two managers with brains. You still help out on the team, close to both Oikawa and Kiyoko, and neither do you mind glaring at Ushijima with the help of Aoba Johsai's former captain.

He finds you immensely amusing. 

He didn't think it was derogatory, or anything of the sort, but your strive to help everyone you could was both laughable and admirable. He thinks, maybe, he treats you a little too easily. Each practice is filled with Ushijima's spikes, Oikawa's sets and your tips, and Ushijima knows everything you tell him. It's annoying, and needless to say, he still finds you utterly useless.

A day comes where it rains, and Ushijima hasn't packed an umbrella. You offer him one, not taking no for an answer, before rushing towards Shimizu, crying out about how cold and miserable it was.

Your umbrella, being a pocket one, is far too small to fit his enormous stature underneath it. But, he tells you, the effort was appreciated nonetheless. He holds the dry umbrella out to you the next day, bowing.

You knit your eyebrows, fingers closing around your belonging. "A thank you would have done, you know?" 

“Let's go,  _ Manager-chan _ !” Oikawa pulls you away. The nickname feels a little mean, but Ushijima knows it’s an endearing one that’s lasted since the first year you and he shared at Aoba Johsai. The setter haughtily adds, "Ushiwaka doesn't get things like that!" 

Ushiwaka is offended. He- he  _ did _ say thank you, didn't he? He was sure you would have gotten it. During class, he recounts what he said, and still can't find anything wrong with it- so he buys you a yoghurt drink, the one he knows you always buy from the vending machines around campus, and he gives it to you. 

"I don't know what I did wrong," Ushijima says, thrusting the drink towards you, "But I, in no way, meant to offend. I was sincerely grateful."

You take the drink, puncturing the seal with the straw. "A fine way of showing it..." You sigh, before shaking your head. "It's fine, Ushiwaka. Thank you for the drink."

He watches you go, feeling extremely pleased. 

* * *

You are nesciently positive, always looking out for silver linings in patches of thunderstorms. What puzzles Ushijima more is that you always manage to find it. You're stubborn about so much, and your unwavering fortitude almost manages to throw him off (but he's been on a team with people like Tendou and Eita, so the unexpected is almost traditional, for him.

In hindsight, if Seijou had been tools, gears that had all worked together to create a harmony that was so rare to see, you had been the one to give the machine its first spin, the one to give Aoba Johsai the energy to work with. Ushijima knows, for he feels your faith and your trust every time he and everyone else on the team walked onto the court. You radiated waves of absolute and complete regard, along with a sort of  _ assurance _ that they were going to win the game. His and your teams may have been rivals, but you have always meant the best and more. It's not like Ushijima needs it, because he knows his capabilities as a volleyball player. (It's helped him out more than he likes to think.) 

But along with your steadfast heart comes a stubborn mind, and an incessant need to become better. In that way, you remind him scarily of Oikawa- with your tendency to work too hard and refusing help even when you needed it. He's seen you jog early in the morning, training for your own sport, and he's seen you go out to purchase can after can of coffee used as sustenance for the increasing numbers of all nighters you pull. 

He refused to let you in the gym after a particularly long night filled with energy drinks and dog eared pages in open textbooks. Ushijima can tell you're about a half second away from socking him square on the chin, but he stands his ground. 

"You're not going to be of any help to the team or to yourself in your current state." He doesn't mean to intimidate, but he sees you half flinch. "Go home and rest." You're about to retort, but to his surprise, Oikawa sides with him.

"Go home,  _ Manager-chan _ ." Oikawa says, quiet and smiling so softly that Ushijima almost refuses to believe it's there. It's almost a new look for the brunet, who's usually surrounded by airs and trifles that Ushijima himself can't be bothered to care about. The boy pats your head, before letting his hand slip to your shoulder. "And learn to take better care of yourself, dummy."

You look like you're going to think better about continuing, but you shudder away from your friend's touch. Looking at the boys, a half-frown twists your lips, your pained expression chilling Ushijima to the bone. "I can't rest," You purse your lips. "How can I? I'm surrounded by geniuses. I'm not going to rest until I manage to get to your level."

"Hey, now..." Oikawa starts, but Shiratorizawa's captain stares you down. 

"What do you think makes us geniuses?" He glares at you. "I worked for this title. Oikawa did too- even if he would have flourished working with me at Shiratorizawa, and not needed to face all those useless failures, his pride drove him on to be better. Neither of us are naturally gifted, so you can't expect yourself to be either. You don't have to pity yourself. You just have to get yourself off the ground to start working."

"It's not like I haven't worked!" You snarl, and through the corner of his eye, he sees Oikawa getting slowly more and more agitated. "I'm still trying, Ushiwaka."

"Then it's not enough, is it?" Ushijima says cooly, not getting why you were so angry. It was simple, really- you hadn't yet given it your all. "Give everything, or give nothing."

"That's enough." Oikawa says coldly, stepping in between you and Shiratorizawa's genius. Your old captain says your name (-your first name, with no nicknames, no pretences this time,) softly, kindly, "I'll take you home."

* * *

"I've given what you said some thought," You say the next day, not quite meeting his eyes. He blinks, lips parting in surprise. He had meant what he had said, of course, but thought that you wouldn't have followed up on it. "And it's not like I didn't try-"

"I never said you didn't."

"But maybe you were right. You- both Tooru and you worked really hard to get where you are now, and maybe... maybe I  _ can't _ juggle everything all at once. But volleyball is something I love, even if I'm less than I want to be as just a spectator." You press your eyes closed tightly, and for a few seconds, Ushijima thinks it's to stop yourself from crying. 

"But I'll work harder." There's a new edge to your voice that makes Ushijima believe it. 

Still, he can't really  _ say _ everything he would like to. He can think it, sure, but lots of things are easier in theory than in practice- But he manages to just to say, "Okay." 

For some reason, you find it hilarious. "Ushiwaka, that's very like you. To say something profound and to end it with something so unsympathetic." Managing to stop cackling after seeing his offended expression, you mutter apologies sown into laughter.

Nonetheless, seeing you happy made him feel happy, in some weird way. It was nice to see you looking so vibrant- a definite improvement even after just one night. Your eyes have a new shine to them, and your laughter doesn't seem as strained as before. 

Maybe you were taking a long time to blossom, but you're going to be the most beautiful flower in the field.

* * *

Ushijima is the first to arrive at morning practice, almost always. He’s part of a team of extremely good players who try to do the same, but it never makes a difference because Ushijima almost always manages to grab the keys at the end of practice and goes the earliest the next day (unless he loses to Oikawa or Watanabe, who keep trying to take it first.) Last practice, however, the keys had been stolen away from him, and Ushijima had accepted one of the two must have had swiped it when he wasn’t looking.

Both Oikawa and Watanabe were the type to go early, so Ushijima doesn’t bother changing his schedule. He arrives at the university gym at exactly 6:00am, and is immediately confused when the gym doors are open but he can discern no squeaking shoes, or any volleyballs landing hard.

He enters only to find you wobbling very dangerously on a ladder, trying to string up some streamers on the wall. Assessing the gym, you’ve already put them on the net and there’s a little table set up with a cake box.

Ushijima blinks. He’d forgotten an occasion again.

“Ushiwaka, would you come help me with this?” You call for him, getting down the ladder quickly. “I doubt you’d even need the ladder!”

He stares at you, before crossing the distance and taking the streamers you hand him gratefully: he’s a little shorter than you want the streamers to be up, so you go grab him a step ladder. You order him around for a few minutes more, asking him to put decorations here and there.

“What’s happening today?” He asks, feeling awkward. 

“Ah, It’s Miyama’s birthday.” You explain, unfurling a banner reading “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAPTAIN!” Ushijima, by some miracle, manages not to blanche. You catch his hesitation, and laugh, “So you forgot? I mean, we were wondering why you didn’t pay for the cake…”

“No one told me.” He says stiffly. Though he’s aloof and comes off as a rather blunt guy, he respects his upperclassmen a lot. Miyama happened to be their captain, and one of his role models, though he let it go unsaid.

“It was on LINE.” You say, raising your eyebrows.

“Watanabe spams too much. I skip everything.” A beat passes, before the guilt becomes too much and he shoulders his bag to find his wallet, “Here, how much was it…” 

“Just 470 yen.” You say, “We were splitting with everyone on the team.” He hands you the money, and you pocket it with one hand, before shaking the banner with the other. “Now help me get this up in time.”

You step back to admire your work, “Perfect, no?”

A lot of the decorations seemed to have been bought at Don Kihote and Daiso, and there was too little to really look good. Ushijima holds his tongue and nods. “It’s good. I think Miyama will like it.” Which was true, anyway. Miyama was quite emotional and he’d probably love anything they did for him.

You send him a smile and hastily check the time on the clock; “You know, there’s some time if you want to spike a few sets.”

“You-” Ushijima finds himself surprised again. “You play volleyball?”

You laugh, “You’re looking at our girls team setter!” Deflating a little, you purse your lips, “Ah, well, reserve setter. But a player nonetheless!”

You begin to jog over to the equipment store, dragging the Mikasa balls out. He considers you again, brows furrowing, “You’re not a wing spiker?”

“I don’t have the power,” You say, stopping just beside the net and tossing him a ball. He catches it easily. “Setter’s always suited me better. Why would you think wing?”

“Oikawa is a setter, and you get along quite well with him.” Ushijima says matter-of-factly. “I thought, since you suit his personality…”

You snort, attempting to be polite before dissolving into laughter, “Aw, Ushiwaka, everyone says you’re so  _ intense _ and  _ this _ and  _ that _ , but you’re really just a simpleton!”

Ushijima doesn’t know whether or not he should be offended, so he just nods a little. “Can I have a toss now?”

You give him a blinding grin, raising your hands over your head, “Ready when you are!”

(You scream when his spike tears through one of the paper chains, ricochets off the floor and then slams into the table with the cake. Thankfully, it doesn’t topple, and Ushijima thinks that his guardian angel has a full time job.)

* * *

You start as nothing, become a distraction, and now you're beginning to turn into a fever. What Ushijima is starting to feel for you is so incredibly vain and foreign that he's terrified- but distractions have never kept him for long: he’s needed to bleed, sweat, and fight for his position at the top. Ushijima knows what  _ this _ is.

He's heard all the stories of love from his mother. How love conquered all, how love was the one defining factor that would never lead you astray, how in the ancient myths, Perseus slays the sea monster for Andromeda- but Eros has never done him any favours, and it doesn't do well to be a fool in love. He flat out refuses to be caught in what feels so obviously like a trap. It's calling his name, draped thick in chiffon and honey, and though with every step he thinks he takes away from Andromeda, Perseus rushes in to save her. 

Regardless of the cost.

And so Ushijima comes to a conclusion. He does it swiftly, not to mention confidently, like he's always done with everything.  _ He is in love with you. _

He won't be a fool. He will not blindly charge in to fight a monster, but he will make sure you are  _ safe _ . He won't be stupid, or wild, or anything. It's not in his nature- but he still loves you in a stupidly, unrelenting way. He doesn't know when- or why- but it's happened. He sees you like the first glimmer of sun at dawn, he sees you as a new beginning, as a sign that there is always something new, something bright, and that there are second chances for anyone who has the guts to confess they were in the dark.

He forgets that before healing comes hurting. 

"Ushijima...san," You add the honorific late, but with a tone to your voice that lets him know that you are not going to think twice. "I'm sorry. I have to decline."

"Why?" His voice sounds gravelly, even to himself. 

"T- Oikawa." You bite your tongue, not looking at him anymore. "I'm dating Oikawa."

"I see," He says it softly, understanding. He guesses Oikawa deserved you, and you deserved him. His mind screams that  _ he is better _ , but Ushiwaka lets Oikawa best him, just this one time. "I should have known. Oikawa and you suit each other."

You study him with a somber expression, smiling delicately.  _ You're trying not to hurt him.  _ He realises, and it makes it all the more harder for him to resent you. Maybe if you were as harsh with everyone as you were with yourself, Ushijima could pin the blame on you.

"That's like you, Ushiwaka." You say finally, and he berates himself mentally upon hearing the nickname: Where the hell else would you have learnt it? 

"What is?"

"Picking yourself up just as quick as you are to fall."

Wakatoshi feels like he’s barely breathing.

* * *

He so dearly wants you to be only a learning experience. A first step. A gentle push that didn't feel like more like he free falling. But it's too late, too much, and he cares more than he meant to. So Ushijima finds himself missing something he never had, but it's his fault- and as emotionless, blunt and uncaring he is; 

a light heart carries a heavy burden.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i rewrote parts of this because i didn't have ANY backups of my work from devart ... i lost the whole section where they set up the birthday surprise together and i don't remember what else happened, so it's only a measly 2.8k....
> 
> i was just happy that most of this was in my notes! written back in 2016 for a contest on devart :") i'm slowly going through what i have left over in my notes and posting it on here. i lost some fics i wanted to keep, which is literally keeping me up at night so i've taken to rewriting them.


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